Why I'm not romantic
1. I'm allergic to flowers.
2. The only people who have ever told me I’m beautiful, specifically using that word, are my parents and my best friend.
3. Writers try to avoid using clichés. But really, no one should ever use one. Find another way to say it.
4. When I was looking at my first boyfriend one time, he said, "Stop looking at me, it's creepy."
5. I ruin moments by asking inappropriately timed questions, like "So do you sleep around?"
6. The only good romantic movies are either also heartbreakingly sad and depressing or foreign or both.
7. I choose Indian food for dinner and have to call it an early night because my stomach hurts.
I started making this list a few years ago, back in college I think, when I was on some kind of mission to prove that romance and being romantic were ridiculous and stupid and cheesy and trite. And now, a few years later, I have no reasons to be more romantically inclined. In fact, I have ample reason to continue adding to the list. But by some happenstance of nature, somewhere along the way—I couldn’t tell you when or where or how--I no longer want to. I don’t want to add to the list. I want to acknowledge, instead, that I, in fact, no matter how hard I try to deny, fight or stop it, just might be
romantic. (oof, writing that was hard.)
I’m not the kind of girl boys write poems about, or make mix tapes for, or daydream about or cry over. And I’m generally perfectly okay with that. In fact, most things considered traditionally or general-consenus-ly romantic I’m not a huge fan of, and they make me uncomfortable because they feel like disingenuous, unoriginal acts. But I think somewhere at my core, there’s a mushy heart that wouldn’t terribly mind a sweet gesture or two.
Here’s my problem: I equate softness or gentleness in myself with weakness, and I equate romanticism with weakness. Ergo, you get it. Even though I admire these traits in others.
And here's the other problem: I don't know what it's like to be romantic. At least not in a reciprocal capacity. I can count on one hand the "nicer" moments I've had, but most often any time I've expressed something romantic or acted in a way I consider romantic, I get shut down in one way or another. And I guess it's the type I attract or am attracted to, or some vibe I give off that shouts "don't be nice to me." And this isn't some kind of pity party post for myself; I think part of the problem must be me, whether for putting up with it or for not demanding more or not creating an environment where I can fully express myself without fear of rejection. I guess it comes down to Choose Wisely. or something.
And I'm not sure I even really know what I consider to be romantic. And I'm not talking about How Can You Impress Me romance; I'm talking, we-both-like-each-other-so-we-are-free-to-act-according-to-those-feelings-in-whatever-way-it-manifests-itself romance.
It seems silly or stupid, I know, but for all the things I know about myself, this is a realm I've not yet been able to fully explore. And I'm sure at some point it will happen, but in the meantime all I can do is write pondering, ponderous blogs on the topic.
